November 13, 2010 – At 6:30 pm he decides he wants to go to bed. It is too early in reality. But any other solution is futile.
It is very hard to play Solitaire on the computer with tears running down your face and through the core of your body while your loving husband keeps calling out ‘help me’. He doesn’t need help, he needs to sleep. But Alzheimer’s is a disease of the brain and his brain will not cut off. It brings images of disturbing things. Could be dogs, could be red lights, and could be most anything that his decaying brain conjures up before sleep finally takes over. Medications can slow down the body, but not leave it restful, ease the brain but leave it slurred and confused. Sleep does not come easy.
Don June 2010
The nights when sleep finally does come it is a heavy deep sleep and my dear one sleeps until daylight, or perhaps he is just lying there toward sunup waiting for the day to begin. At any rate in this mid/late stage of his disease his sleeping all night is my only stable during this terrible nightmare we are living. But this night he cannot settle down.
Will there ever be a time when this disease can be slowed to where one can be a useful being until a death of natural causes takes away the pain of Alzheimer’s. My husband has a younger brother with early onset of Alzheimer’s; my hope is there will be some more medications developed soon to delay the progression of his destiny.
My concern is not just for my husband and his brother but their only sons as well. Will they be spared this hell? In years to come will they be able to get help in order not to have to go through this agony? Will they be able to live out their lives in their own homes?
Nursing homes are not equal to one another. Choosing a nursing home that is clean, nice to walk into with a full staff to care for their patients may be all you can do. Is a nursing home with a special wing for patients with Alzheimer’s better than one that does not have special care? Does a veteran’s nursing home care for the veteran any better just because they served their country in the armed forces?
Too many questions and not enough answers – - and still he calls and calls and calls. 7:30 pm, I must go; at least one more time. Dear Lord Keep Watch over us as we traverse this horrible time in our lives.
By now he is scooting himself into the middle of the queen size bed he calls home for the greater part of the day. I am distressed as he is going too close to the edge of the other side of the bed, then I learn he is upset over the bed rail and was getting away from it. My tears come again and he is trying to comfort me. Wonder why my emotional upsets bring him to a new awareness of our relationship? I lean over to him and he puts his arm around my shoulder and I shed a few more tears. This is just so hard and unfair. No one deserves to go through what his mind and body are going through. There are more tears.
After a bit; I leave him to get ready for bed leaving his side table light on. He is quiet for a bit and then wants the light off. He calls out again and I go to tell him I am going to bed. All the house lights are off except one lamp in the back of the house. We sleep.